


Under the brine

by milkywaywide



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 19:39:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16729479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkywaywide/pseuds/milkywaywide
Summary: But Eren is still in her. And she can’t shake the utter alienation she feels, so bad it almost feels like an out of body experience, like a weird dream, like she’s drowning.





	Under the brine

**Author's Note:**

> This is set sometime during the time skip, before the whole Marley mess.

Eren is still in her.

Well, not really Eren but his cum is and she can _feel it_.

It’s a crass thing to say, sure, but it is what it is and it feels so weird to have been so close to him what feels moments ago and still have the evidence of it inside of her and to be now out thinking-maybe-hoping that she’ll wake up in a month nauseated and feeling weird and going to the corps’ doctor and finding out it’s because she has a baby in her belly and telling Eren and then the both of them being scared but happy and excited and maybe then he’ll stop being such a reckless idiot and stay by her side forever and their baby will have the shape of her eyes but the color of his, green like the ocean, so bright against the pale skin and brown hair, so undeniably _theirs_.

But this is just a fever dream—she is _not_ pregnant. The corps can’t afford to lose soldiers to maternity so they make all the women take birth control injections religiously every month, and while birth control fails every now and again, she wants this so bad she knows it won’t ever happen to her.

She’s not even sure she can _have_ children, for she is a beast and a murderer and there’s a part of her that thinks that someone who took as many lives as the two of them doesn’t deserve to bring new life into this world.

But Eren is still in her. And she can’t shake the utter alienation she feels, so bad it almost feels like an out of body experience, like a weird dream, like she’s drowning.

She’s sparring with Jean and while it’s usually easy, she’s struggling today. The sudden impact of his fist on her face grounds her immediately, both figuratively and literally; she may be a much more skilled fighter than he is but he is still much bigger and physically stronger than her and he hit _hard_ , probably under the assumption that she’d never actually get hit.

Jean’s on her before she can open her eyes, calling her name and she’s pretty sure it’s him that’s holding her up—she’s dizzy and her ears ring so very loud. When she manages to crack her eyes open, everything’s blurry and too bright and when they finally focus, after what seems like an eternity, she can taste the blood on her mouth and spits it out, painting the dirt on the ground dark red.

Levi intervenes and sends them off to the infirmary. Jean seems to want to carry her there, bridal style, but Levi won’t let him. “She can still walk,” he snarls, and she silently thanks him for it.

So Jean settles for lending a shoulder, even though she doesn't need it.

* * *

The first thing the nurse does is to remove her scarf.

Eren left a hickey on her neck, because of course he did. He’s exactly the type of lover one would assume him to be: brutish and loud and domineering, desperate to get his partner off.

If either one of them, Jean or the nurse, notice, she can’t tell and doesn’t care to.

Nothing seems to be broken and the ring on Jean's finger left a gash on her cheek that thankfully doesn’t need stitching but the nurse tells her it’ll probably leave a mark before he dresses the wound. There aren’t any mirrors in sight but she assumes her face is already bruising, given the look she’s pretending not to notice on Jean’s face.

He accompanies her back to her room, apologizing non-stop now that the immediate crisis has been dealt with.

She can’t bear it. She wants to tell him to just shut up and leave her be, but knows this will only prompt him to think she’s mad at him so he’d fuss even more and she’s not in the mood.

They arrive at her room. He apologizes one more time and repeats that if she needs anything, to let him know. His eyes linger on her for a moment too long before leaving and she pretends not to notice that either.

She looks at herself in the tiny mirror on her desk, the entire left side of her face is swollen and starting to bruise beneath the gauze dressing the gash on her cheek.

She takes a deep breath, which makes her entire face hurt, and moves towards the bed.

It smells like her and Eren and _them_ and she can’t tell if this makes her happy or miserable.

She knows that Eren’s got a death sentence looming over his head so they won’t be together forever either way, but she also can’t even imagine what her life would be, no, _is going_ to be like without him. And she knows Jean is more than willing to become her partner but she can’t shake the guilt of even considering that.

She thinks again of being pregnant, what her body would look like, what it would be like to give birth, what it would be like to hold a tiny baby in her arms and think _we made this_ , she thinks of these things and wishes even harder for them, knowing how distant they are to her reality, maybe even _because_ of it.

* * *

She sleeps a dreamless sleep and Eren wakes her up by barging into her room. He asks her if she’s okay and doesn’t believe it when she says she is, because of course he wouldn’t.

Eren touches her face lightly and it feels odd to her; it seems like his touches are always either full of intent or rough on her skin, but here he is, brushing his fingers against her face, light like a breeze, and they are shaking like crazy.

She knows his hands usually shake when he’s angry but she also knows _him_ and the look in his eyes says that’s not the case.

The look in his eyes says this is something he’d been keeping himself from doing and, finally, _finally_ , Mikasa gets it.

She takes his shaking hand and holds it against her chest, right where she can feel her heartbeat reverberating against it.

She thinks back to Jean’s asking if she needed anything and how the only thing she needs is for Eren to stay with her, how that's _all_ she ever needed.

Something’s _changed_ and she thinks this should bring some sort of epiphany and sense of resolution but it doesn’t; Eren still won’t stay the night, because he never stays.

Things are just like that sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Started writing this super long ago and forgot about it then the other day just decided to keep at it, also, I don't really understand how punches to the face work so sorry if none of that makes sense. Is birth control even a thing in AOT? Anyway, sad puddle of angst, so of course the title is from a song from The National, as usual. Thanks for reading! <3


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